From: Wedding Palace Visitor
Posted: 11/9/2009 12:44:20 AM
Subject: When my husband and I were mar
Question: When my husband and I were married nearly six years ago, his daughter and my son were both adults. During divorce proceedings my husband knew of three extra-marital affairs his ex-wife had, proved them to the court and therefore did not have to pay the nearly 1 million dollars in alimony his ex-wife was trying to be awarded. My husband is not a wealthy man and had no savings. I would consider him and us middle class. We both work very hard; I actually work many more hours than he does for the same pay. My husband and I have paid for many of his daughter's expenses including everything from clothing, food, gas, computer, cell phone, internet, a place to live and paying off a college loan, providing a nice car for her to drive just to mention a few. (We also paid over $200,000 worth of bills he and his ex ran up just trying to preserve his credit for "us.") Financially speaking the wife lived a better life than I so far and I am worse off than when I was a single parent raising a child but I harbor no resentment whatsoever.) Although my husband's previous marriage brought a lot of stress and strain and expense into our life I have never ever held the daughter responsible or penalized her in any way. She could not help the affairs or that her dad finally chose not to live that way anymore. The daughter was very happy for us in the beginning but once my husband and I were actually married, his ex-wife tried and did succeed at ruining our relationship with the daughter. She was mad because he got on with his life and she was alone which is ironic considering all the affairs! My husband seems to have always been a good father and I have always shown his daughter total respect and treated her the same as my own son. I have never tried to be her mother because I totally respect she has a mother; it's not like she was a little girl that I helped raise. I have only tried to be her friend and have always had her best interest at heart. The daughter spent "years" not taking my husband's calls and would never return any of his calls where he left messages on her cell phone. We would send greeting cards and try to get together especially for her birthday, Christmas, Thanksgiving. She would say she would meet us somewhere and then not show--wihtout notice--even on her own Dad's birthday. Every time my husband was ready to give up and stop calling and inviting I always encouraged him to never give up to keep attempting, to continue to send cards and make invitations. I would tell him it is important as a parent to be consistent and show her we are who we are, that we are grounded. Once her Christmas gifts set aside waiting for her for over a year! Since his divorce with the mother, the daughter has had her mother move in and the very few times the daughter has talked to her father, she complained about what a burden it had become financially, emotionally and it really kept her from being able to save and move on with her own life. The mother would force her to go out to eat for the sake of not being alone. Anyway, I had to express all that "past" to get to the "present." Now that my husband's daughter has become engaged just a couple of months ago, she has returned a few phone calls here and there. One which led us to go to two of her fiance's preschool aged child's sports event. So as you can see we do wish to participate in her life. I am so thankful that the daughter has asked my husband to give her away. This is something he has talked about ever since I've known him. In the little conversation that has been had concerning the wedding, it sounds like to me the daughter is very uneasy with what to do about me. This is her wedding, her day and I don't want to do anything to take away from it. But I am so nervous because my husband does not stand up for us and I am wondering how I should deal with how I will feel if he has his photo taken with the wedding party along with his parents and I'm left out? My husband has already made it clear to the daugther he will not have a photo made with just the ex which I can totally appreciate. I have tried to lighten the situation by telling my husband it's OK if I do not have a corsage and I do not expect to be seated as a "mother, that I could be seated after his mother since the daughter wants us on the same row and my husband should have the seat closest to the aisle. When my husband and I were married, the daughter was included in our photos although she chose not to be in our wedding because of all the pressure she was getting from her mother. My son also included her in his photos because he prefers to see us as one big family. I have been in tears tonight because I fear my husband is going to just go along with whatever the daughter wants because he will say he won't do this or do that but when it comes down to it he just goes along. All I want is a little respect as his wife, that all. Am I asking for too much and how can I put my fears to rest?
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